Baby's First Ultrasound!
"Baby" is what I've named my right breast.
I had a big birthday on July 5th of this year: according to my state-issued birth certificate (and my mom), I turned 40. It was pretty uneventful (minus a near-death experience), and I feel pretty much the same?
However, my doctor did have to increase the dose on my synthetic thyroid meds. Also, my knees hurt. And the texture of my hair has changed? And I’m tired all the time.
Other than that, pretty much the same!
Just like everyone reading this, I look forward to the birthday wishes received from people closest to me each year: our mortgage lender, CVS Pharmacy, a person I don’t know from high school whose Messenger app history with me is just:
This year, however, was extra special.
Now entering the birthday chat: my yearly mammogram!
I knew I would have to get a mammogram when I turned 40, because both my OBGYN and primary care physician warned me. They even recommended I schedule it to coincide with my birthday every year, a recommendation I did not follow because I am not a sad lady with no friends. (At least, I try not to be.)
I did, however, schedule the appointment immediately (read: 2 months) after receiving the above message. I am proud to report that as of two weeks ago, I got my chesticles HULK SMASHED™️ by a Transformer for the first time! And I’d say Opti-tits Prime did a great job, because he found a lil’ mass!
Now, the writer in me wants to use this information to build suspense. Really amp up the draaaaahma. But that feels mean and stressful and I’m not trying to add any additional stress to what is already, consistently, an awful time. So, don’t worry, it’s probably fine!
And anyway, the weird thing about the follow up ultrasound I had on my right boob wasn’t the mass. It was the fact that this medical procedure took place at an Orchard Supply Hardware:
As you can clearly see from the middle photo above, that’s a whole-ass garden center on the right-hand side of what is currently Breastlink Long Beach. When I walked into the lobby, I half expected to smell fresh cut wood and be greeted by an employee in a smock.
Instead, I was greeted by the impersonal lobby of a DMV.
Obviously, I had major questions: where am I and why is this? Was an Orchard Supply Hardware supposed to inhabit this spot? Did they pull out last minute? Was the space built before an Orchard committed, and this was the architect’s “Field of Dreams?”
Upon sharing this post with Pete, he suggested I follow my curiosity to the internet, where I confirmed that there’s a trend of repurposing big box retail spaces into medical offices. Wow, everybody’s so creative! And we all know I love a good rebrand (not a god rebrand), so of course, I’m into it.
While it may seem like an odd pairing, former big box retail spaces tend to have the large footprint and strong foundation necessary to support the required layout and medical equipment. In fact, these buildings often only need an HVAC and plumbing update, and they’re good to squash nips!
However, we can’t just be retrofitting these big box retail spaces into medical offices without more consideration for the patient experience. The Breastlink lobby looks like you’re waiting in a Costco or Sam’s Club, but it feels like it, too. It’s open and echo-y, and the bathrooms require a code! I don’t wanna feel like I’m waiting to get my tires rotated, when I’m actually there to get my headlights checked.
So here are my thoughts on ways to improve the big box to medical office transition:
Lower the Ceilings: not a lot, just enough to make it feel like I’m not here.
Get Plants: they don’t have to be inside - let that garden center garden, babe!
Hire a Greeter: a space is immediately more welcoming with a smocked elder!
Bonus: Arm the greeter with a highlighter, and you have a receipt checker.
Bonus Bonus: Give the greeter a microwave and frozen Jimmy Dean, and you’ve got SAMPLES.
Offer a Rewards Program: Every 10th scan gets you a free biopsy and/or second opinion.
Have a Tire Center: this started as a joke, but if I could get car stuff taken care of whilst I get my titties honked, that’d be sick.
Anything you think we should add here, for internet perpetuity?
If not, that’s it for this installment - I have a headache after all this brainstorming. Good thing I know a great place to get a Kirkland Signature CT Scan!
I’ll update you on the probably benign area in 6 months, if you’re into that sort of thing!
xo Nicole
Want more unhinged content? Check out this week’s episode of DTFU Podcast!
BIIIIIITCH!!! I am dying at this entire thing. 😂😂😂
Congrats on your first tit honking!